Good Friends and Self-Help Books

The past week or so has been pretty strange, it's kind of odd when you find out that a relative who has recently passed away had a huge opinion-changing secret! That's all you need to know about that. For one, I'd possibly be giving some information away about who I actually am and secondly it's not an ideal thing to blog about. 

A few weeks ago I actually hit an all time low in terms of depression ... A relapse in improvement I guess. This is partly why I haven't blogged for a while, I was hiding at first and then decided to actually sort things out. I felt particularly low about being unemployed and getting no response or a negative response from absolutely every job application that I submit. I was upset to the point where I was having obsessive thoughts about not having a job and also wanted to kill myself, or at least injure myself. 

One evening a friend posted a Facebook status about being judged by someone she didn't know, she was judged because she had a degree and didn't have a top job, the reason for this being that she has a baby now and it's difficult to work around childcare at the moment. When I read the status I felt rock bottom so I commented it having a rant about not being able to get a job myself. I must have sounded sad because a friend sent me an essay-length message stating that she had been through similar things in the past, and then we got talking about all kinds of things. For once I got the chance to explain my situation to someone. Sharing experiences was great. My friend gave me the motivation to move forward and pull myself out of my low mood. I've felt rather content since.

In my last blog post I mentioned that I was looking for self-help material for improving motivation. After looking online, Google searching with "Overcoming low motivation" I had very limited success. I decided to replace low motivation with procrastination and suddenly remembered that Windy Dryden had published a self-help book called "Overcoming Procrastination". I purchased the book and I've started slowly working through it. It seems effective so far but I'll let you know how I get on. 

Finally on The Mend?

I feel pretty content today despite having to stop using the internet to go out shopping. I guess I do have a headache but that might be something to do with having a cold rather than being stressed out. All I can say is that I've had such a wonderful day at the shopping centre with my mom. 

I managed to get a bit more Christmas shopping today and I'm starting to get into the Christmas spirit, this may explain why I feel so content. Also, this months phone bill has been paid by direct debit so I have no worries about money being taken from my bank account without me being aware of it. I do often find that I can't settle if I don't have enough money in my bank account to pay my phone bill, I do have an overdraft on my account but I hate the idea of being in debt even if it's only for a day or two. This kind of defeats the issue of blogging about feeling content but I thought I'd mention my bank account behaviour as I do often obsess and panic. 

I've been to Starbucks today and had an eggnog latte and a cinnamon swirl, they were both gorgeous :). I bought body butter (again), at the moment I seem to have an obsession with collecting body butter, this one only cost £2 though. I also bought some fancy soap and a DVD. I suppose going to Starbucks during my shopping trip did make me less anxious/panicked, when I'm out I only feel content if I have either internet or food and drink. I've been the same with the food and drink element of it since I was a child, when I was younger I would cry and be stroppy until I got food, I didn't cry and strop because I was hungry it was merely because I was away from home and didn't feel comfortable. 

Overall, I think I'm finally getting a bit better, especially where obsessive thoughts about people hating me and other obsessive thoughts are concerned. Maybe my depression is fading with Christmas cheer, maybe I've finally came to terms with leaving uni and not yet having a job, maybe it's because I haven't got people teasing me about fancying my lecturer followed by me having obsessive thoughts about it being wrong and people hating me for it. Maybe it's a mixture of all of those things. I have no idea, but I'm certainly getting over the depressive element of my life. 

The main things I have to battle now are: obsessive slowness, low motivation and internet addiction disorder (IAD). I know that sounds like a lot to tackle but in my eyes I'm half way through tackling all of the issues I had for such a long time and the three things I just mentioned are all linked to each other, so that should speed up the process a little bit. I see those three issues as being dominos, I knock one of them down and the others will start to fall too. 

I'm currently looking into ways of overcoming the three final problems that I have. If I find anything interesting I will share it here so that others can benefit from the methods too. 

Speak soon

I'm ready to go out ... ON TIME

I woke up with a rotten cold this morning. After sleeping in a sleeping bag under a quilt and a bed throw, as you can imagine I felt freezing when I got out of bed. Feeling cold gave me the desire to actually get dressed, so now I'm ready to go out.

Oh, it doesn't just end there! my mom (who I'm going shopping with) isn't ready yet and now I'm in my usual routine of messing around online :(. So, I guess I'm not ready after all

Anyway, I thought I'd just write a quick post before I go out shopping. I'll write properly later ....

Pet Hairs on Black Clothing!

A few days ago I did promise to keep this blog updated daily and then I decided not to blog yesterday, there is a perfectly valid reason for this. I spent yesterday at a funeral and then I had to go to work. I was so cold when I got home that I just wanted to get into bed and drop off to sleep. 

The past two days haven't been too bad where my obsessional slowness and IAD are concerned. As I just said, yesterday I attended a funeral, I had to be ready and out of the house by 10am and to be honest I didn't do too bad with getting ready despite feeling anxious when I left the house. My anxiety soon started to fade away but I did have obsessive thoughts about my clothes attracting dust or pet hairs. I'm always the same with black clothes, wearing black clothing often makes me feel nervous and I always feel like a scruff and obsess over my clothing having hairs or dust on it. This results in me not feeling too confident. When I was at the wake following the funeral my brother bought me a double gin & tonic which seemed to blur the situation a bit and also reduce my nervousness and anxiety. 

I'm not quite sure why wearing black clothing bothers me so much. These days I try to avoid wearing black at all costs. If I HAVE to wear black I prefer to wear just one black item rather than two, wearing two black items drives me insane. I just hate pet hairs and dust on black clothing, it bothers me so much, I worry about there being dust or hairs on my own clothes, even when there isn't. I remember meeting a girl for the first time and she was wearing a black cardigan that was covered in dog hairs, not only did it set of my allergies but it also bugged me psychologically. It literally distressed me to think that someone could walk around with dog hairs on their clothing. Lets just hope that I won't be wearing black for a long time yet. 

Also, I think I'm starting to get to the point where I can openly discuss some of the issues that bother me, not my OCD directly but things that I've done and felt ashamed of due to my OCD and depression. Last night I managed to talk to a girl at work about having feelings for my lecturer (that I mentioned in previous blogs) and she sympathised with the issue and asked me whether it made me feel depressed. I openly explained how it all made me feel at the time and how I've changed, I felt at ease when talking about the issue and actually had no obsessive after thoughts. I'm so proud of myself for overcoming the obsession/issue. I just wish that this was the case with every obsessive thought and behaviours that I have. I'm so determined to get there but lack the motivation!!!! any suggestions on how to increase motivation?