Monday, 19 September 2011

CBT and a few other things

Hello all, yet again I haven't updated this blog for a month, I suppose the obsessional slowness did really take over my life. I now have a few things on my mind and also a few things to share with you so I figured I'd write an update. 

A few weeks ago I had my first session of CBT. I've had two sessions so far, so it's still early days yet, but here is the score. My therapist seems to think that my main issue is internet addiction disorder (IAD) so she is treating me for IAD rather than OCD. I suppose my IAD sets of my OCD behaviours and vise-versa, it's a vicious circle. The first session was pretty much a test of suitability for CBT and then my homework was to keep two diaries, one about what I did, how long for and how it made me feel emotionally and physically and one about the notion of not being able to carry out my compulsive behaviours. I also made notes for the following session as I failed to tell my therapist that I form attachments too easily in my first session. In the second session we talked about my IAD and a bit about attachments too. I mentioned the idea of keeping a blog to express my feelings but my therapist said it was a bad idea given the fact that I have IAD. But low and behold I am still writing here now. My homework for this week is to write about how I feel when I use the internet. The therapy seems like a slow process and not quite goal focussed as I'd like it to be, but I suppose it's early days and I've only had one proper session, so we'll see how it goes. 

I suppose it's time to discuss other things that are on my mind at the moment. My mood keeps dropping awfully low and I feel low on energy too ... yet there's no logical explanation for it all. I guess I have a few things on my mind such as the fact that I form attachments way too easily isn't being sorted and it does actually upset me (maybe I should mention this to my therapist again). Sometimes I just wish I could develop attachments at a more "normal" pace, I fancy guys, get to know them via the internet, get even more obsessed, think I'm a bad person, breakdown, start the cycle again. It's kind of sad really. In an offline context I would pretty much be a stalker and this scares me. I know that I can't help it but I just want to change for the better. 

I'll update again soon (I promise)