Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Good Friends and Self-Help Books

The past week or so has been pretty strange, it's kind of odd when you find out that a relative who has recently passed away had a huge opinion-changing secret! That's all you need to know about that. For one, I'd possibly be giving some information away about who I actually am and secondly it's not an ideal thing to blog about. 

A few weeks ago I actually hit an all time low in terms of depression ... A relapse in improvement I guess. This is partly why I haven't blogged for a while, I was hiding at first and then decided to actually sort things out. I felt particularly low about being unemployed and getting no response or a negative response from absolutely every job application that I submit. I was upset to the point where I was having obsessive thoughts about not having a job and also wanted to kill myself, or at least injure myself. 

One evening a friend posted a Facebook status about being judged by someone she didn't know, she was judged because she had a degree and didn't have a top job, the reason for this being that she has a baby now and it's difficult to work around childcare at the moment. When I read the status I felt rock bottom so I commented it having a rant about not being able to get a job myself. I must have sounded sad because a friend sent me an essay-length message stating that she had been through similar things in the past, and then we got talking about all kinds of things. For once I got the chance to explain my situation to someone. Sharing experiences was great. My friend gave me the motivation to move forward and pull myself out of my low mood. I've felt rather content since.

In my last blog post I mentioned that I was looking for self-help material for improving motivation. After looking online, Google searching with "Overcoming low motivation" I had very limited success. I decided to replace low motivation with procrastination and suddenly remembered that Windy Dryden had published a self-help book called "Overcoming Procrastination". I purchased the book and I've started slowly working through it. It seems effective so far but I'll let you know how I get on. 

Friday, 2 December 2011

Finally on The Mend?

I feel pretty content today despite having to stop using the internet to go out shopping. I guess I do have a headache but that might be something to do with having a cold rather than being stressed out. All I can say is that I've had such a wonderful day at the shopping centre with my mom. 

I managed to get a bit more Christmas shopping today and I'm starting to get into the Christmas spirit, this may explain why I feel so content. Also, this months phone bill has been paid by direct debit so I have no worries about money being taken from my bank account without me being aware of it. I do often find that I can't settle if I don't have enough money in my bank account to pay my phone bill, I do have an overdraft on my account but I hate the idea of being in debt even if it's only for a day or two. This kind of defeats the issue of blogging about feeling content but I thought I'd mention my bank account behaviour as I do often obsess and panic. 

I've been to Starbucks today and had an eggnog latte and a cinnamon swirl, they were both gorgeous :). I bought body butter (again), at the moment I seem to have an obsession with collecting body butter, this one only cost £2 though. I also bought some fancy soap and a DVD. I suppose going to Starbucks during my shopping trip did make me less anxious/panicked, when I'm out I only feel content if I have either internet or food and drink. I've been the same with the food and drink element of it since I was a child, when I was younger I would cry and be stroppy until I got food, I didn't cry and strop because I was hungry it was merely because I was away from home and didn't feel comfortable. 

Overall, I think I'm finally getting a bit better, especially where obsessive thoughts about people hating me and other obsessive thoughts are concerned. Maybe my depression is fading with Christmas cheer, maybe I've finally came to terms with leaving uni and not yet having a job, maybe it's because I haven't got people teasing me about fancying my lecturer followed by me having obsessive thoughts about it being wrong and people hating me for it. Maybe it's a mixture of all of those things. I have no idea, but I'm certainly getting over the depressive element of my life. 

The main things I have to battle now are: obsessive slowness, low motivation and internet addiction disorder (IAD). I know that sounds like a lot to tackle but in my eyes I'm half way through tackling all of the issues I had for such a long time and the three things I just mentioned are all linked to each other, so that should speed up the process a little bit. I see those three issues as being dominos, I knock one of them down and the others will start to fall too. 

I'm currently looking into ways of overcoming the three final problems that I have. If I find anything interesting I will share it here so that others can benefit from the methods too. 

Speak soon

I'm ready to go out ... ON TIME

I woke up with a rotten cold this morning. After sleeping in a sleeping bag under a quilt and a bed throw, as you can imagine I felt freezing when I got out of bed. Feeling cold gave me the desire to actually get dressed, so now I'm ready to go out.

Oh, it doesn't just end there! my mom (who I'm going shopping with) isn't ready yet and now I'm in my usual routine of messing around online :(. So, I guess I'm not ready after all

Anyway, I thought I'd just write a quick post before I go out shopping. I'll write properly later ....

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Pet Hairs on Black Clothing!

A few days ago I did promise to keep this blog updated daily and then I decided not to blog yesterday, there is a perfectly valid reason for this. I spent yesterday at a funeral and then I had to go to work. I was so cold when I got home that I just wanted to get into bed and drop off to sleep. 

The past two days haven't been too bad where my obsessional slowness and IAD are concerned. As I just said, yesterday I attended a funeral, I had to be ready and out of the house by 10am and to be honest I didn't do too bad with getting ready despite feeling anxious when I left the house. My anxiety soon started to fade away but I did have obsessive thoughts about my clothes attracting dust or pet hairs. I'm always the same with black clothes, wearing black clothing often makes me feel nervous and I always feel like a scruff and obsess over my clothing having hairs or dust on it. This results in me not feeling too confident. When I was at the wake following the funeral my brother bought me a double gin & tonic which seemed to blur the situation a bit and also reduce my nervousness and anxiety. 

I'm not quite sure why wearing black clothing bothers me so much. These days I try to avoid wearing black at all costs. If I HAVE to wear black I prefer to wear just one black item rather than two, wearing two black items drives me insane. I just hate pet hairs and dust on black clothing, it bothers me so much, I worry about there being dust or hairs on my own clothes, even when there isn't. I remember meeting a girl for the first time and she was wearing a black cardigan that was covered in dog hairs, not only did it set of my allergies but it also bugged me psychologically. It literally distressed me to think that someone could walk around with dog hairs on their clothing. Lets just hope that I won't be wearing black for a long time yet. 

Also, I think I'm starting to get to the point where I can openly discuss some of the issues that bother me, not my OCD directly but things that I've done and felt ashamed of due to my OCD and depression. Last night I managed to talk to a girl at work about having feelings for my lecturer (that I mentioned in previous blogs) and she sympathised with the issue and asked me whether it made me feel depressed. I openly explained how it all made me feel at the time and how I've changed, I felt at ease when talking about the issue and actually had no obsessive after thoughts. I'm so proud of myself for overcoming the obsession/issue. I just wish that this was the case with every obsessive thought and behaviours that I have. I'm so determined to get there but lack the motivation!!!! any suggestions on how to increase motivation?

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

A Whole New Start ...

Hello everyone. It's been some time since I last blogged here and I believe that last time I blogged it was about therapy. I've decided to take a break from therapy for a few months as I feel that CBT doesn't suite me (it doesn't suite everyone after all). Earlier on I was talking to a friend and she suggested to carry on blogging about issues that I have. I set up an account on Tumblr but it doesn't seem to be an ideal domain to host a blog about mental health issues (the majority of users are teenagers). Therefore, I've decided to continue using Blogger, but thought I'd have a new start my giving a fresh introduction to myself. I've finally made a bit more sense of my problems. So, here is the blog entry that I just posted on Tumblr: 

"I always see the first blog entry as being the most important one, it’s pretty much like the introduction to a book, you have to capture potential readers’ attention and then of course maintain the blog to keep them interested. 
I suppose I should give you a bit of background information, but I’ve tried this before on Google Blogger blogs and I tend to struggle to give background information and this put me off keeping a blog at all. Well, I’m a 22 year old female who lives in the United Kingdom, I’ve recently graduated from university with a degree in psychology and I suffer with a few psychological problems and issues. 
Towards the end of university I started to realise that I had problems that needed professional attention. I finally got an appointment with a psychologist who diagnosed me with OCD and depression. Previously I had thought that I suffered with impulse control disorder because I am heavily addicted to the internet. 
I find that people mock being addicted to the internet and some people really abuse the condition by saying “OMG I’m addicted to Facebook LOLZ” but for me it’s a serious issue sadly. I often feel as though I’m trapped, there are so many things that I want to do, yet I just sit there using the internet and don’t feel comfortable with actually doing anything else. Sometimes to the point where I feel sick and nervous if I have to go out when I don’t feel ready. This is where the OCD element comes into my problems, I suffer with something that is called obsessional slowness, which basically means that I take my time with getting ready to go anywhere or do anything, if I change my activities before I feel psychologically and physically ready to I can feel really nervous, anxious and physically sick. This has a huge impact on my life as when I feel that way I often stop communicating with others and don’t enjoy what I’m doing. I then get angry with myself for not doing things that I’m supposed to do. 
I also mentioned that I suffer with depression. I feel that my depression is largely to do with my OCD and being angry with myself for not doing things that I am supposed to do and lacking a normal daily routine. I also feel depressed because of things that have happened in the past, for example: being left out a lot as a child, fancying men who I’m not supposed to fancy, having shabby relationships and more recently not having a job. I tend to reflect negatively on these issues a lot (part of my OCD) and end up upsetting myself. 
Anyway, that’s a brief overview of my situation and it’s probably the only entry where I’ll discuss my problem as a whole. The rest of the blog entries are going to focus on day-to-day life, what I’ve been up to, what issues have come up during the day and how I deal with my problems in general. 
I hope I do get regular readers of my blog and I hope those who have problems find my contribution useful. "
Feel free to get in touch :-)

Monday, 19 September 2011

CBT and a few other things

Hello all, yet again I haven't updated this blog for a month, I suppose the obsessional slowness did really take over my life. I now have a few things on my mind and also a few things to share with you so I figured I'd write an update. 

A few weeks ago I had my first session of CBT. I've had two sessions so far, so it's still early days yet, but here is the score. My therapist seems to think that my main issue is internet addiction disorder (IAD) so she is treating me for IAD rather than OCD. I suppose my IAD sets of my OCD behaviours and vise-versa, it's a vicious circle. The first session was pretty much a test of suitability for CBT and then my homework was to keep two diaries, one about what I did, how long for and how it made me feel emotionally and physically and one about the notion of not being able to carry out my compulsive behaviours. I also made notes for the following session as I failed to tell my therapist that I form attachments too easily in my first session. In the second session we talked about my IAD and a bit about attachments too. I mentioned the idea of keeping a blog to express my feelings but my therapist said it was a bad idea given the fact that I have IAD. But low and behold I am still writing here now. My homework for this week is to write about how I feel when I use the internet. The therapy seems like a slow process and not quite goal focussed as I'd like it to be, but I suppose it's early days and I've only had one proper session, so we'll see how it goes. 

I suppose it's time to discuss other things that are on my mind at the moment. My mood keeps dropping awfully low and I feel low on energy too ... yet there's no logical explanation for it all. I guess I have a few things on my mind such as the fact that I form attachments way too easily isn't being sorted and it does actually upset me (maybe I should mention this to my therapist again). Sometimes I just wish I could develop attachments at a more "normal" pace, I fancy guys, get to know them via the internet, get even more obsessed, think I'm a bad person, breakdown, start the cycle again. It's kind of sad really. In an offline context I would pretty much be a stalker and this scares me. I know that I can't help it but I just want to change for the better. 

I'll update again soon (I promise)

Friday, 26 August 2011

Panic ...

I realise that it's been quite a while since I last posted, you probably all assume that I'm keeping ok, so I thought I would drop you a quick update. I've really let myself go over the past month or so and my OCD seems to be getting worse, or at least I seem to be noticing things more!

I recently graduated from university, so I suppose my life has changed quite a bit over the past few months, also I'm in limbo as to what I'm going to do next. It's probably too complicated and personal to type detail on this here, besides it will be obvious to people who know me that it's me behind this blog. All I need to share is that my decision are in limbo and I'm a bit scared. 

In terms of OCD my obsessional slowness is getting much worse, I feel physically sick if I have to wake up early and start getting ready pretty much straight away. Everything just seems like a mess, things are getting worse than they were and insomnia has also began to set in. 

I guess I'm in a bad mood so I'll write here soon.

Best Wishes