I love sending emails but when I don't receive a reply my obsessional thoughts begin. I start to think that nobody actually likes me and that people talk about me behind my back, this thought is so obsessive that I begin to feel angry just as though the person has said that they hate me. Sometimes I even make stories up in my head about why the person may hate me. This seems to be the main theme with my obsessive thoughts, I guess this is why I frequently check the online social networks that I belong to, I fear that people will delete me as a friend or people will start talking about me and my face will be pushed out of the picture. A life of loneliness is what I'm afraid of most, I often think that I am going to end up lonely and that my so called friends will do shit tricks on me, this is why I stay signed into social networking websites and make conversation with people as often as I can. Staying online means that I don't actually get much done which also frustrates me, I hate the idea of being lazy. It just feels that none of this will ever balance out. This probably sounds like a really modern version of OCD to you but I am technology dependent after all, but only because of the obsessive thoughts.
I suppose the main thing that bothered me most today was morbid jealousy. I think I mentioned in the last post that I fancy a guy, my university lecturer to be exact. Well at the moment he's running a piece of research with a woman and also got one of my fellow class mates (also a woman) to collect data for him. Today I just started to wish that every woman who has anything to do with him was dead. I'm not usually a violent person but I guess I've always been jealous. The thoughts were so vivid, I even thought about murdering these women, all because this guy isn't in my life at the moment. This really concerns me, I don't think I'm really capable of hurting anyone but the fact that I even thought about it scares me. I'm seriously considering opting to pay for my own therapy rather than waiting for the NHS to fit me in somewhere. I'm beginning to hate myself and others because of my OCD. People frustrate me, but mainly if I'm jealous of them for some reason or another.
Another thing that's annoying me today is that it took me about 8 hours to actually get around to having a shower. My mom rushed me and said that I could only stay in there for 20 minutes as my dog needed a bath. I rushed my shower and then felt uncomfortable, when I visited my nan I just didn't feel like speaking at all. Just so uncomfortable and miserable!
Anyway, I think that's enough moaning for one blog post! catch you later. It would be nice if someone would actually talk to me by the way