Sunday, 24 July 2011

I did something bad ... it made me relapse

Hello everyone, unfortunately I feel really bad again, in fact I just want to die. You've probably read the title and thought that I'd committed a criminal offence or something, well it's far from it but I just feel so bad. I know I keep going on about my lecturer but it actually has something to do with him. 

A few weeks ago I added my lecturer to Facebook under the delusion that he would accept my add and we could be pals, I soon realised that this was wrong but left the friend request standing. Last night I had a few glasses of wine and decided to send him a Facebook message to say sorry and ask if he would feel more comfortable if I just cancelled the request. When I woke up this morning I immediately knew I had done the wrong thing, but as usual just waited it out. I signed into Facebook just to realise that he has actually blocked me on Facebook, meaning that he read the message and has had enough of me contacting him, so he just blocked me.

This makes me feel like such a stalker and I hate the idea of that! I know that he hates me and I'm angry with myself after setting the goal that I set yesterday. I've actually got to a point where I just want to hurt myself because of what I've done to him. Sorry if this sounds a bit dramatic, but this is actually how I feel. 

I now feel the need to actually reason my behaviour and figure out a way to stop anything like this from happening again. Rationally thinking, I don't think that he really hates me, after all he doesn't know enough about me to actually hate me, he probably just sees my behaviour as abusing his position as my lecturer, so therefore he has blocked me. Another explanation is that he actually has a partner and he wants a happy life with her without getting hassle from girls who fancy him, which is understandable enough, I'd be the same if I had a boyfriend. The guy is too nice to be nasty, if you know what I mean. So I'm sure he has a good reason for blocking me on Facebook. I should just ignore what has happened, after all what am I really going to lose? I only know the guy in a professional context and I think it should stay that way. Now here's for the hard part, what can I do about this?

There are a number of things I could do here, but pros and cons to all of them, so I've decided to list them all here in order to help me make a decision:

1) Send him an email explaining what happened and why:
Pros: He'll at least understand why I behave like I do and maybe forgive me a little bit
He can see what a great person I really am
Cons: He will get annoyed that I've contacted him yet again.

2) Just forget that the whole thing ever happened:
Pros: I can just move on in life without any consequences 
I won't have to explain what happened to him
Cons: I'll feel like a coward
His opinion of me won't change 
I'll have to face him at some point 

3) Set myself a goal:
Pros: I will actually overcome what has happened
Such behaviour will stop
Overcoming the problem will mean that I can form a professional bond with him
Cons: There are actually no cons, but one drawback is that I'd need to apologise to him too, to make myself feel better and acknowledge that I'm going to try and change.

So, you might have already figured out which option I am going to take. Actually I'm going to take two of the options, these are option 1 and option 3. I'll let you know how I get on.

Best wishes


  1. thanks for sharing your story....i found your blog through is inspiring that you are trying to get yourself better and taking things one day at a time...wish I could do the same.

  2. Thanks for the supportive comment Tina. I've had a few hits on this blog through Google, I do like the idea of being able to help myself and others at the same time. I'm glad I inspire you, keeping a blog (or even a private diary) does actually help a lot, have you thought of trying that? I wish you the best.